Headphones
Have you ever felt like screaming inside yourself? I mean — you want to shout aloud, but…you can’t.
Have you ever felt stranded in the deep waters of some vast ocean where even light doesn’t dare to penetrate?
Have you ever felt alone, so alone, with a rusty chain of thoughts rattling against your skull, as if yearning to break through it?
You try, you try to shut your ears against the clanging, but then you wonder — why?
Is there really a sound, or is it just silence…being audible?
Nothing seems to help;
nothing seems to bring peace to the soul who desperately craves for it. You tell yourself, again, and again:
Everything will be fine, take one step at a time.
Everything will be fine, take one step at a time.
Everything will be fine, take one step at a time.
You sink into the delicious, crisp hum of leather as it settles onto your head; your left hand finds Spotify just as the other guy starts to interrupt, but
Ignorance is bliss.
The music hits your senses and clears your innermost confusions; cheerfulness seeps into your very soul. All the noises fade to the background and scatter; even the clanging inside your head seems to slowly …. melt away.
Torment does not breathe.
Before you realize, the notes …. the beats infuse themselves into your core,
they become to you what beer is to an alcoholic. Studying, cycling, late-night strolls, whatever…You are happy. You are calm. The confusion recedes into nothingness.
As you think you’ve regained control, you decide to set aside the headphones. Talk to the people around you, absorb your surroundings and move ahead.
But, you can’t.
Those wires which kept you flowing till now suddenly have a vice-like grip on your brain; the ear-cups are now your ears.
If you put the headphones down, that horrible silence returns with its clattering, and it drags you down to the depths of the ocean again. You become numb, motionless, disconcerted, and scared. The rusty chain of thoughts rattling against your skull, as if yearning to break through it, and you want to stop it at all costs.
You put back the headphones on.
Order is restored again. But somehow, there is no satisfaction; there is no certainty that the peace will last, as long as the headphones bind you.
But let me tell you … that the longer you entertain what is bad for you, the longer you delay the beginning …. of what is good for you.
Now, when I see this person, who might seem to be sitting
still in the shadow of a wall, curled up and leaning over
helplessly, fearfully,
I realize that, that wasn’t me, because the very idea of me believes that the shadows around are because of the light behind us.
I was never the one who chose to stay in darkness, with my ears constantly being assaulted with faceless noises. I was the one who decided to put on my headphones, and I was the one who decided to take them off, if it meant the loss of a false sense of security.
I was the one who decided to drop my shield, when the shield threatened to overpower me.
I was the one who had the courage to face my fears, the noises, the incessant clanging of the chains inside my own head, even if it meant risking drowning in deep pools of despair.
Now… I put my headphones away.
This is who I am.
This is an original piece co-written by me and one of my closest friends, Tanmay. I thank him for being the voice on this project.
